You give yourself no credit
What do you mean you have no imagination? Of course you have imagination.
You don’t believe me? Well how about this: take all of your anxiety, fear, self-doubt, and loneliness in one hand. Next, fill your other hand with darkness, silence, emptiness, and nothingness. Now just put ‘em together, and voilà!
See? You have a great imagination!
Tremors
Equally amazing: how suddenly and unexpectedly the forgotten may be remembered.
Faultlines
With each day it becomes harder and harder to remember why I was apologizing, to recall what it was I was doing wrong or not doing right, to retrieve the source of my past regrets. I know, I know that there was something in me, maybe something I brought with me, that was incomplete and unwelcome. Or perhaps it was the venue to which I was bringing it that was incomplete and unwelcoming. Or maybe it was all just fine, and the problem lay in the way it was seen and understood and felt. What do I know?
Ah, it’s all grown so unclear to me now. What was all of that misunderstanding and conflict and fear and anxiety about? Why the wasted hours and raised voices and joyless exhaustion?
Whatever it was, it recently– and suddenly– stopped mattering. At all.
Its importance now diminished, lines and boundaries and distinguishing characteristics and preconceptions all began to blur, until I found myself in my current head-scratching state. And the funniest part of the whole thing? Since I ceased to pay attention, the things I can remember wishing to lose have (somewhere along the way) been lost. And what I can remember wishing to find has been found.
Amazing, the things that can happen without your knowledge the moment you allow your attention to drift.
Have I forgotten?
No, I haven’t, and I don’t believe I could. Yet I find that from the moment that previously brilliant (blinding, one supposes while passing through the shadows) beam of light diminishes- no matter how slightly, no matter how temporarily- I cease to be so sure of what the glow is illuminating, and of what my eyes are seeing, and of whether there might exist a chasm between these two.
How much light must it absorb before it radiates its own?